Recommended listening:앞으로 by 김민승 (Kim Min Seung), from the Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bok Ju OST
February was a strange month. The weather was in all kinds of minds and moods.
It was difficult to find an underlying colour to describe February, but the weather, circumstances and the current rhythm of life I’m living made me think about what it means to be constant despite change.
We are an inconsistent people. Flux is a part of who we are. But part of what it means to live in this world with other people, I think, is to shape some constancy out of ourselves.
How to remain steadfast in days of yo-yo-ing weather, through the cyclical patterns of fatigue, frustration, and impatience?
In trying situations, in crunch time, we give grace to those who might unintentionally lash out. As I absorb the sting, however, I am reminded also to be careful when I am the one with the power to hurt other people. How many times have I lashed out without thinking about the consequences?
With age and responsibility, I feel the weight of the words “slow to anger and abounding in love.” Neat enough syntactically as a concept, yet what a tangled mess of emotion, habit, and character I have to sort through in order to live these words into being.
I would like to grow more constant as I get older. I love the flux and contradiction in me, but I also want to love and deepen the grooves of a well-traced will. I want to love patience, grace, kindness, and thoughtfulness. I want to move with the certainty of joy even when I am deeply troubled, even when my step is heavy, even when anger is a scratching in my throat, even when grief is a solid thing in my body. What is my constancy? How can I hold on to it? How can it bring strength to love, how can it embolden grace?
These are some of the thoughts that outfitted my days this February. or perhaps more than thoughts, they are little determinations. I would like to have at least some hand in drawing the outlines of who I become. Here is some weight, here is some edge, here is some forethought.