I’ve been thinking about this for a while now, and have decided this will be the last OOTD post on my blog for the foreseeable future.
I first started doing OOTD blog posts because I wanted to affirm that the self was not a thing that was a formulaic list of compatible and complementary things.
The labels that we often use to identify what kind of people we are, are boundaries that demarcate the places where we are always escaping our selves.
This just means that I can’t even really begin to define myself in wholeness and completeness because there’s too much to cover.
Isn’t that something marvelously wonderful, worth affirming and celebrating over and over again?
I didn’t always think this way, and I think most of us don’t. Or we are afraid of what it means for us to be fluid, blobs, spillages.
Labeling who you are is not a bad thing at all. Sometimes the labels allow us to leverage principles that we might otherwise find difficult to grasp. Sometimes the labels allow us to build communities and relationships on common and safe ground. Maybe we use labels for political reasons, maybe for strength reasons, maybe for convenience reasons, maybe for many other unexplainable, explainable, necessary or life-giving reasons.
But if we come to imagine ourselves as fixed down into those labels, then when our selves cross the boundaries of those labels, we come to an impasse.
We set ourselves up for disappointment over and over again, mostly because it’s impossible for us to stay in those lines. That’s not how we were made.
I think growing up is the steady process of coming to embrace ourselves at the limits of our self-definition, and find those malleable and porous lines every day.
There are days I will surprise myself, disappoint myself, anger myself, amaze myself, and every time that happens, I step over the limits of the lines and boxes I need to put myself in.
Sometimes I would rather retract back across the line, it is too much or it is not good, and that is completely okay.
Sometimes we discover that on the other side of where we thought we ended, we continue. We are more. We are better. We are new.
Over the years I have come to embrace the messy, ebb and flow of the boundaries of my self. I no longer need these posts to affirm my self to myself. I find myself often retracing familiar ground in my writing, and there is a big part of me that wants to keep moving to wherever my feet (or fingers) would like to go next.
I have been blogging for over a decade now, and I know that as long as the internet has a bit of room, I will always be writing.
jaziimun is moving on to other kinds of art, other kinds of writing and things. Maybe the OOTD series will return in a different shape and form, maybe it’s permanently archivable. Regardless, I find this a reason to rejoice.
I am freeing myself to tumble into new or old or other things.