There are some days where I question myself.
I question why I am doing the things I do, the way I am spending my time, the decisions I am making…
I question the type of person I am becoming, or the person I believe myself to be.
I question my relationships, whether they are slipping out of my hands, whether they are changing beyond my capacity.
It can be a mindless type of feeling, a day of dropping myself into my work to forget, or of nursing a cup of tea and blank staring.
For all my life, I’ve always felt a fierceness in me, a streak I couldn’t properly control as a little girl.
Now that I’m grown, that fierceness in me has settled into my character like bone.
It makes me stubborn, and has been a driving force behind every relationship and every endeavour in my life.
Fierce can looks gentle, the kind of firmness I would use to hold a little baby, the kind of firmness I step with to resolve conflicts with my family members.
Fierce can also look aggressive, uncompromising and harsh, a trait that often emerges in my work around social justice and postcolonial studies.
But mostly, I have come to see fierce as active, defiant self-love on the days I question myself.
Validation of my self as a person.
Strength I am slowly nurturing.
On these days I guard fiercely against reductive thinking, self-pity, and blanket thoughts.
I would like to walk in the light, to follow in faith, and to love in abandon. These remain even in my questioning, and my self-doubt.
So in these days, I give myself fierce grace, and rest.