There are certain types of emotions that continue to throb in my daily living.
I have always struggled with a conscious timidity, and a brash stubborn streak. The combination thereof is a living style that oscillates between trepidation, and bravado.
It sounds dramatic, but it isn’t.
It just feels like sweaty palms when I was 12, standing just outside the doorway to my new classroom and hearing the sound of my classmates to-be inside and wishing I was anywhere but there.
It also feels like that moment of walking across the threshold, and clenching my fists.
Life can be a series of repeats, same but different.
Sometimes I feel my life is a revolving door: in and out of countries, of communities, of jobs, and of homes. I often strongly feel the temporary status of my presence, and am always anticipating the next reentry, the next exit, even as I try to embrace as much of the present as possible – to experience, and subsequently, to remember.
Lately I find myself drawn to the same few colours over and over again, in various combinations, textures and shades.
Am I looking for a consistent thread to lace my days together?
Perhaps black, white and grey give me the space I need to handle the dynamic sense of colour burgeoning up in all parts of my life. They offer the sturdy background against which I can measure, contrast and present everything else.
Excitement and anticipation are sometimes, too vibrant for me to handle.
Maybe nowadays, I am trying to balance out the strong colour of my experiences with a pastel sense of self. This is how I keep myself together for the journey.
All I know is these days, what I wear has become an old friend: a staple in varying degrees of intimacy.
Every part of this spiralling trajectory of my life is full of silhouettes and colours that have embraced me in that season of life, protecting and performing me in circumstance, in action and in thought.
This season may need a spectrum of black and white to keep me safe and strong, but I’m certain that as life bleeds itself into my consciousness in new ways, my wardrobe will change to reflect it.