On the eve of my 23rd birthday, I messed up at work.
It wasn’t a little mess. It was a relatively big mess. But there was nothing to do except apologize, a few times.
After work I walked myself home and thought about my day.
Turning over the events of the day in my head, my emotions and reactios, subjecting my inner world to scrutiny. I was looking for bitterness, self-justification, inadequacy and various other negative vibes that my failures might have created in myself. Surprisingly, except for the apologetic feeling at my coworkers having to clean up my mess hovering like a fog over today’s timeline, there was nothing else lurking. Instead on the way home, I felt the day wrapped in something much like grace. This marks something akin to the first few cracks on the chrysalis – the visible result of real struggling.
Failing is an inevitable adult thing. I am glad to have failed today, it means that I won’t make that mistake in the future. Even more than that, I am reflecting on how cleaning up other people’s messes is also an inevitable adult thing. As a newbie in the workplace, my coworkers have always been gracious in my growing process, and spend time undoing or rectifying the damage of my mistakes. As someone who is growing older, I also remember the many times I have cleaned up after others less experienced than me. I am grateful that life spirals this way and we who are blessed enough to be in each other’s lives are connected together. It strikes me that growing up looks like a link chain, overlapping and holding on to what came before and what will come after.
I’ve closed the door on that chapter of work now, and left with much joy and warm feelings. This means I can turn my eyes to focus on what is waiting for next. One step toward another part of my life to discover, one step away from my comfort zone. Steps made in faith, steps made for hope. December and January are two pieces of floor on either side of a threshold, and in between when you cross over, janus wishes you well. Beginnings and endings are two sides of the same coin, two faces of the same god. There is no nostalgia nor bitterness in letting go, only let me look to each day with the same deep awareness of what I have. Let me be thankful to watch my days hold like a link chain.
I believe that each year, each season, each stage, each day in a life is meaningful on its own merit. I am thankful to have already had so many of them.
I hope this one will be as full of grace as the last one has been.
Sweater from Garage
Tank Dress thrifted
Stockings from Urban Outfitters
Necklace from Reynah Armure